Seal of the Office of Ordinary Hauntings

Office of Ordinary Hauntings

Est. 1964 • Division of Anomalous Phenomena in Ordinary Objects

TO:
The General Public (and Other Interested Parties)
FROM:
Office of Ordinary Hauntings, Director's Desk
FILE:
OOH-1964-0027 (rev. 9)
RE:
Public notice regarding anomalous behavior in ordinary objects

Welcome to the Office of Ordinary Hauntings!

The Office is an independent research body engaged in the systematic observation, measurement, and classification of anomalous behavior in ordinary objects. We are scientists. We maintain strict objectivity, controlled conditions, and a rigorous standard of evidence. Any resemblance between our methods and those of nineteenth-century spiritualists is coincidental and is the subject of an ongoing internal review.

Our subjects are the hyper-mundane: the smoke alarm that chirps despite a fresh battery, the landline that rings once, softly, at an hour no one is calling. We do not investigate persons, dwellings, or computers (see Division II; please stop calling about the computer).

FROM THE FIELD NOTES (excerpt):

SUBJECT: Smoke alarm, kitchen. Chirped at intervals of 3.2 hours despite new battery. The control alarm in the adjoining room did not chirp. Control subject appeared to be listening. Recommend further study. Recommend leaving the lights on.

Areas of Active Study

  • Material Phenomena — residue, memory, and the behavior of clay, paper, and glass under observation.
  • Mechanical & Computational Phenomena — terminals, plotters, calculators, and other devices that continue to say things after they have been switched off.
  • Field Investigation & Archives — lamps, telephones, shredders, and the paperwork. So much paperwork.

Official Notice

Observing something? Complete Form 27-B/6 (Report a Haunting) in triplicate. A field representative will contact you within 6–8 business weeks. If your matter is urgent, please treat it as non-urgent.

Qualified observers may also request a Controlled Observation Session. Candles are not part of the protocol. They are, however, permitted.

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The Office thanks you for your interest. Please note that the Office is not responsible for anything you may observe after reading this page.